I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
