We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
