Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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