Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why are your pants in the freezer?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
