there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
