yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
