mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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