Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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