I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
