I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
