highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
