Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
