hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
