We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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