I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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