A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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