i would punch a child for taco bell
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
