Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
