i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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