hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize