You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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