she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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