He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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