Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
