If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
