this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
