I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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