You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
