My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
