I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
