My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
