my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
