omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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