For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
