I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
