We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."