I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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