so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
