Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
