I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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