smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
