Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Non-Jews are for practice
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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