I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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