new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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