Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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