Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
