I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
