She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
