walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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