True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
