I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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