I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
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So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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