I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
